I aim to misbehave

Well, almost. I’m going to be drunk as a skunk later, so I thought I’d get this up early.

So here’s to more posts in 2010, and here’s to hoping the video game industry finally goes through puberty and grows up, just a tad, in the decade to come. Prove me wrong, hardcore douche bags, prove me wrong!

Watching the apologists defend Final Fantasy XIII after it was revealed the game literally is just a giant poorly acted cut scene is utterly hilarious. They’re actually proud of the fact that the game doesn’t let you play half the time? Really? Are they sure that they’re gamers, and not wannabe film students? Stress on wannabe.

Remember when cut scenes were the short treat that you had to earn in a Final Fantasy title after long battles and rampant game play/exploration? Now you’d be hard pressed to find any game play whatsoever.

In Epic Games land, the iPhone is a more powerful platform than the Wii. At least, that’s what we have to deduce if we follow Mark Rein’s crazy paid-for-by-Microsoft logic.

The post where we take a look inside the brainstorming session that launched the colossal failure known as Dante’s Inferno:

Dante’s Inferno Developer 1: Man, we really need to help EA out and make something innovative.

Dante’s Inferno Developer 2: Something different? How about we show how artisitic we are and make a game about Dante’s Inferno?

Developer 3: You mean the Divine Comedy?

Developer 2: No you shithead. I said Dante’s Inferno. It’s about hell and tits and that’s fucking cool.

Developer 3: But the Divine Comedy is–

Developer 1: Shut Up. We’re going to make this epic poem artistic and hardcore.

Developer 2: Yeah! What we’ll do is take a classic piece of literature and make it bloody and full of testosterone.

Developer 1: Yeah!!! We’ll make it more God of War like! That’ll be totally innovative and different!

I’m really at a loss to explain why the game industry is failing so hardcore right now. Are you?

Dante’s Inferno doesn’t suck because it’s a bad game—that’s obvious and was a given the moment they announced the title and its stupid premise.

No, Dante’s Inferno, like so many other hardcore titles out these days, sucks because it’s unoriginal murder simulator schlock for little boys who need to grow up and set aside childish things.

After listening to their latest podcast, I can only conclude the chaps at IGN are now completely open about and entirely comfortable with the fact that they are no longer journalists, but a marketing arm for Microsoft, Sony and any number of “epic hardcore” developers.

Quick question to close out: Was this IGN podcast conducted in one of Activision’s Review Rooms for optimal privacy and crystal clarity?

“‘Game Journalism’ appears to be more about a ‘lifestyle’ than a profession.” – Sean Malstrom.

Hmm. Perhaps these video game “review retreats” that publishers put on—you know, the ones where they fly journalists out, put them up, feed them and give them 5.1. surround and HDTV to review games—might be a good thing for games journalism after all.

Said a friend today: “It’s so absurd that it makes me want to become a video game journalist.”

Instant recruiting tool!

Really, what a fucking shock.